Ten Things Fathers of Small Children Can Do On Mother’s Day That Don’t Cost Diddly

Mother’s day is coming! You want to make it a smashing success. The best thing to do is A-S-K the mother of your children what she wants to do. But in case you find yourself lost, simply do the following:

1.  Allow Mama to have any and all bowel movements alone. 

Do not request she declare whether she plans to pee or poo, so you know how long you will be on duty with the kids. Just ..read more

My View for Today

My View for Today

A beloved, elderly relative caught me on the phone the other day for a five-minute chat about my new baby. In my exhaustion, I asked her how her son was. Her dead son. Even worse, I got my names confused. I first asked about her long-deceased husband, then corrected myself to inquire about the well-being of her dead son. I love this woman. I am not a monster. I am just exhausted, and my current ..read more

How to Have a Baby in 57 Hours

How to Have a Baby in 57 Hours

I was rubbing cream into my cracked, scabbed nipples, reflecting on the 57-hour labor of my third child. My husband was complaining how cold his ass cheeks felt on the toilet as he used the bathroom nearby with the door open. “It’s fucking terrible,” he repeated. This got me thinking just what fucking terrible is all about.

I recall during my labor thinking, This is truly not going my way. It wasn’t fucking terrible, but it ..read more

26 Complaints My Son Will Share With His Future Therapist

26 Complaints My Son Will Share With His Future Therapist

He is only three years old. But before I blink, my son will be analyzing my bungles. So Doc, I kindly respect your cancelation policy and hypnotic white noise. But hear this:  If you turn my son against me, I will find you and I will destroy you. Here are 26 complaints he will undoubtedly have…

1. She couldn’t read a thermometer.

That is so unfair. I graduated with honors, you know. But we owned a million ..read more

Dear Perfect Mother

Dear Perfect Mother

Dear Perfect Mother,

I have questions. You always have answers. Can you start by telling me when my children should be potty trained, eating solids, or taking their first steps? At the hospital, were you lucky enough to receive a pamphlet detailing precisely how long all babies should nurse on each boob?

The rest of us numbskulls (call us “Medium Mothers”) play this waiting game — when to wean, sleep train — all the sticky stuff that ..read more

15 Reasons the Pacifier Fairy Won’t Be Visiting My Home

My three-year-old really fancies his pacifier. Insert your look of dismay here. Now insert my look of ‘like I give a crap.’

Many parents debate when the pacifier love affair should end. My husband and I have taken a joint position on this one. Well-meaning friends have suggested the Pacifier Fairy pay us a visit, confiscate our robust collection, and donate it to a made-up place I couldn’t explain to my child with a straight face… ..read more

Report Me to the Services, My Son is Starting Preschool

My world is about to get FRIGGIN. ROCKED. Little man is starting preschool. I’m sweating in the trenches picturing the good-bye. Huge chunks of his life are about to happen behind my back.

“Good, Mama. Let’s play trains” – that’s what I’ll get when I comb for clues about his day. I’ll email the teachers (poorly veiling my mistrust, desperate to know HOW IS MY SON WHEN I LEAVE?!) I’ll be dissatisfied with the neatly packaged ..read more