Mother’s day is coming! You want to make it a smashing success. The best thing to do is A-S-K the mother of your children what she wants to do. But in case you find yourself lost, simply do the following:
1. Allow Mama to have any and all bowel movements alone.
Do not request she declare whether she plans to pee or poo, so you know how long you will be on duty with the kids. Just be on duty. Hand her a magazine to take with her. In fact, give her the iPad, your ever-loyal bathroom companion, and tell her to keep it. Do not allow the children to suction themselves to the bathroom door while she is in there, or to jam their sticky digits underneath it. Back away from the goddamn door.
2. Get the hell out of the house with the kids and do something.
Anything. Take them for a nature walk or wash the car using nothing but old toothbrushes. Then take a five-hour detour to the beach/park/local obstacle course and run them ragged. Once you believe them to be sufficiently ragged, challenge them to a race, even if all they can do is crawl or drag their bodies. ..read more